It Shoulda, Coulda Went

30 hours ago I went into surgery to remove a device and some screws that I had implanted in August. There's not even a tiny shred of me that's here looking for sympathy. I'm just here to share solidarity with you in your own battles...the kinds that you count the hours through. The ingredients and end result may be different for each recipe of hardship but the steps are often the same. 

Full disclosure: the failure of the implant was soul crushing. I placed all of the eggs that I had left in this device's basket. I really, truly was a believer in it. I endured tons of pain to get it. I overcame my hatred of how ugly it looked through my skin until I learned to fully love it. I welcomed it into my body. I swore myself onto its team. This is the fourth time that I underwent surgery only to discover that after 7 months to a year of recovering that it was a total bust. I cried hard and sunk low for a couple of weeks. Have you ever felt like the ceiling was falling down on you and you didn't have a dot of strength to push it away? Damn, did I feel that ceiling crushing me into a little ball of the ground. But, the only way to get truly out is through. So I cried in my fiancé’s t-shirt..in his arms..with a bowl full of mac n’ cheese until I was cried out. We have to mourn our losses before we pick back up and forge forward with enough fight in us to get us where we need to go. You need to learn who you are, what that person needs, and how she can climb out of that hole as quickly as possible. 

We can play back the reels of our past a million times with bitterness. Why did that happen? Why didn't it? Why me? We can play out all of the different ways that it shoulda, coulda went. There's an endless, narrow and dark tunnel when you look backwards. The one pointing forwards is open and wide. It's filled with light. The future is where hope resides. So, we need to walk right up to hope’s door and knock until we get let in. If that doesn't work, we'll just break the damn thing down. Either way, that door WILL open eventually. Until that day comes, we will just keep moving forward...with open hearts, unwavering spirits and love on love on love.