My Spinning Head
My head's been spinning from lots of questions recently. I'm sure that you're thinking that this list includes the 20385040 decisions that I have to make within the next month before my wedding, but those don't even fall on my stress spectrum. My head has been filled, from wall to wall, with questions about a procedure that I had yesterday. Am I making the right decision? What if this all makes me worse instead of better? Do I have enough time to recover before the wedding, especially considering that the Doctor thinks it's likely that I'll have extra post op pain and issues given what my body has been through. My head spins as it tries to make its way through this equation: the information from the doctors - the large gap of knowledge that they have due to the "never before seen combination of injures and large amount of trauma to the area" + the ticking clock with the wedding 6 weeks away- choices of when the Operating Room is available during the one week between my bachelorette party and bridal shower - an anesthesiologist who would agree to work at 5:30pm during my only option for OR time=one anxious girl walking into an OR where she knows that she will have to endure the pain from the procedure while awake.
But do you know why I agreed to be literally TORTURED (as in screaming out and having your arms held down by someone else, while awake, OFF THE CHARTS kind of pain)? It's because love is the answer to all of those questions. Marrying my love is the answer. And there's really nothing that I wouldn't do for that love because there is really nothing that it hasn't done for me. A year ago I answered the easiest question that I will EVER be asked and yesterday I proved just HOW much I meant it. I want to be his fun bride, an incredible wife and the greatest mother to his children but our desires and hopes so rarely match our circumstances. I'm just going to keep forcing the equation to add up to be a positive number, no matter how hard I have to try and what I have to endure. I hope that you fight for all of your answers and readjust all of you equations that just will.not.add.the.f-up. Sending love to anyone with a spinning head! #fromcarlysheart